52. Two year post-op.

Last Tuesday was my two-year post-op visit. Prior to the visit, I was worried because I had been struggling with my eating. Emotional eating has been happening, and not all the best food choices. My bloodwork will get drawn this week and hopefully that will continue to be improved. My vitals were good and my body scan showed I had been gaining muscle and lowering my body fat percentage. Hard work is paying off! The scale said I weighed the same as last year, which was a bit discouraging. I have been doing my best to remember that the number DOES NOT MATTER. It is about how I am feeling and my activity levels. Physically, I have been feeling well and able to be active at a level I haven’t at in years. Typically pain free, which is amazing.

Emotionally and mentally, I am in a holding pattern. Taking things day by day, working through the ghosts of the past. This is where eating issues have been a struggle. As a child food was a huge comfort source and as an adult it looks a bit different. Sometimes when I am journalling and processing things, the cravings get bad. I begin to eat without being mindful, and my food sensors are screaming at me to stop. I become physically ill and feel even worse. Had really thought I left all that in the past as I found alternatives to deal with the stress and hauntings of painful parts of my history. It slowly crept in and the food noise is getting to be too much. I am terrified of sliding backwards and gaining weight. I discussed my fears with my care team last week and decided to try Qsymia to fight the demons. A bit hesitant at first, but there is a pill that is worth a try. There could be side effects but thankfully I am at a low-risk status, so it shouldn’t be an issue. I am willing to try anything to steer me in the right direction.

Working my way through my old writing is difficult. By revisiting the sometimes-painful things I wrote, I am beginning to understand. Maybe that isn’t the best word, but it opens my eyes a bit. I have disassociated and blocked so much of the pain and reading things I wrote during some very intense times-it’s sad. As expected, some bits opened my memory to flashbacks of specific details I had forgotten. It shows signs of CPTSD and as hard as it is to approach and heal, I know I am doing the right thing to explore the uncomfortable truths. If I come to terms with and be at peace with my past, I will be able to move forward with a clearer head and the nagging feeling of being “bad” will be put to rest. It is shocking how words and actions of encounters many years ago can creep into current consciousness. I begin to question if my memories are accurate and start to spiral into a depressive/anxious state. What is real and what is the version someone else wants me to remember? The mind is fascinating and as a literal person, this battle happens often. Hence, the need to move past the cycle and heal my inner child, assuring myself I didn’t need to take on all that trauma alone.

After our rough Vegas Vacation a few weeks ago, we wanted to make some new memories. Flew to Texas to visit J and it was fantastic. Filled with really good weather and family time. I am a blessed bonus mom and that time together brought all three of us closer. Ate delicious food, explored several vintage/thrift shops, along with bookstores, and music shops. I found a few pieces to add to my collection of Vintage Vegas memorabilia. J acquired some records to add to their stash. My husband didn’t find anything but enjoyed the meandering. Denton is a great city and recommend a stop if you’re in the DFW area.

The colors are popping in the world of gardens. My walks have been filled with color, and it brings me so much joy. My “recess” during the workday is necessary, and I am grateful to have so many options to change my route every day. It helps in all aspects of my life and cannot stress enough the importance of nature therapy. The exposure seems to be lessening the allergen effect on my immune system, in conjunction with my medication, as I have become more tolerable of being outdoors for longer periods of time. Thank goodness, as my outdoor time is so precious.